Number Thirty

It's not a good idea to play connect-the-dots with your arm freckles.

Number Twenty-Nine

The most comfortable of a choice of uncomfortable shoes is still uncomfortable.

Number Twenty-Eight

Dr. House was right: Cheese really is the devil's plaything.

Number Twenty-Seven

When Halloween candy hits the shelves, it's time to throw away the stuff from Valentine's Day.

Number Twenty-Six

It is entirely possible for a blister to form on top of a callus.

Number Twenty-Five

Considering that most Italian restaurants do not, traditionally, offer fortune cookies, it's best to have low expectations for taste and quality when you come across and Italian restaurant that does.

Number Twenty-Four

If you wait two months to see a movie in the theater, you're going to have a hard time finding a theater to watch it at.

Number Twenty-Three

If you are not a regular exerciser, it's a bad idea to paint an entire room by yourself.

Number Twenty-Two

If you want to paint a room on Monday, it's best *not* to leave the prep work until Sunday night.

Number Twenty-One

Apparently, Blogger will let you have as many blogs as you want on your account (I am up to twelve at the moment).

Number Twenty

You can think to yourself that people will be impressed by your self-confidence, because you are a short woman wearing flats instead of heels, but most people will probably just wonder why such a short woman isn't wearing heels.

Number Nineteen

If you cry in the shoe department at Dillard's, the salespeople will work extra hard to find you a good pair of shoes.

Number Eighteen

It may work well on the infomercial, but that doesn't mean it will work well for you.

Number Seventeen

It's best not to eat while watching "Fringe."

Number Sixteen

If you live in the Phoenix area long enough, you will consider 98 degrees in September to be a "cool" day.

Number Fifteen

There is a reason you don't hear as much as you used to about the DustBuster.

Number Fourteen

Being short is no guarantee that a minidress isn't going to be short as well (seriously, Michael Kors? If I was any taller I'd need pants with that dress).

Number Thirteen

Ads for beauty schools make cosmetology look a LOT more interesting and fun than it actually is (and they give you false expectations of a high salary).

Number Twelve

A sweater may look good on the mannequin at the store, but the mannequin does not have breasts. Said sweater will likely not look quite as good on you.

Number Eleven

When the exterminator comes to your house and sprays his noxious chemicals, the bugs aren't going to just die wherever it is they're hiding. They will crawl out into the middle of the room to die so that in a matter of hours, it looks like you need to call an exterminator.

Number Ten

Even Tupperware is powerless to prevent mold from forming on food left at room temperature for three weeks.

Number Nine

Never use your fist as a hammer.

Number Eight

Those happy couples you see on eHarmony ads are the exception, not the rule.

Number Seven

If you want any assistance at all at the Home Depot, it helps to wear sparkly heels, a low-cut shirt, and a lot of lipstick.

Number Six

Paint in a can looks different from paint on a sample card, and paint on a wall looks different from paint in a can.

Number Five

Tony Orlando and Dawn are three people, but Tony and Orlando are not two of them. Dawn are two of them.

Number Four

It's best not to claim to be bilingual if your vocabulary in language number two consists of swear words and animal names.

Number Three

There is a reason that so many infomercials air when they do: at 3 in the morning, plenty of things seem like good purchases that turn out to not be.

Number Two

When someone admits to being an unapologetic fill-in-the-blank, it usually ends up being the sort of thing they should be apologetic for.

Number One

If you are feeling lonely and/or depressed, Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" is not the best song to listen to.