Number Sixty-One

I don't care what Pinterest says. Do NOT use your refrigerator as a dry-erase board.

Number Sixty

Fifteen feet of tinsel garland is not enough for a six-foot tree.

Number Fifty-Nine

"All your love and a field of corn" is not considered an acceptable answer to the question, "What do you want for your birthday?"

Number Fifty-Seven

Never attempt to move your seat back while driving.

Number Fifty-Five

Common sense isn't.

Number Fifty

"Friend is a four-letter word." - Cake

Number Forty-Nine

Man plans; God laughs.

(Yiddish proverb)

Number Forty

Just because you've lowered your expectations, doesn't mean you can't still be horribly let down.

Number Thirty-Four

If you expect the worst, the day has nowhere to go but up.

Number Twenty-Five

Considering that most Italian restaurants do not, traditionally, offer fortune cookies, it's best to have low expectations for taste and quality when you come across and Italian restaurant that does.